I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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