Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
