i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
its like you know when i get waxed