I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.