I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
