my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Im part way to drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
