Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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