At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
