Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
