he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
