I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I have aggressive nipples.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
