butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
