I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
