Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
