Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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