Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
