I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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