Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
