my mouth tastes like poor choices
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
