Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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