guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're a waste of cheezeits
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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