I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
