After last night, I could never be a politician.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
