Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
