If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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