I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
