I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
