If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
