He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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