I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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