nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
