i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
