Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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