It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
