Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
