new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
