Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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