yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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