I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
