I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
