I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
