I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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