I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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