Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
