At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
