im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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