Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
did i just pee glitter
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
