umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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