When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
