the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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