he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
