every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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