sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sorry about my life...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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