So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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