You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
