Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize