You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize