I need to stop coming to work sober
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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