I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
